Bekah's Bologna

Come With Me

2011-02-02T07:22:00.000-08:00

I have been away from writing for a long time but it feels like it is time to start again. I have noticed that people check this blog from time to time and I wanted to let you know that I have started another blog. Just felt like it was time for a new journey in my life. Join me! http://achristianfindinggod.blogspot.com/

Almost 5 Months

2008-09-16T07:34:00.000-07:00

Working right now but the programs I use run very slow. So as I discharge people from our computer, I thought I would bring this up to date. Lily is going to be five months old in less than a week. It really has gone very fast. When she first came, I don't think I thought I would ever say that. Looking back though it really has. Lily can sit up now pretty much without help. She still looses her balance and does face plants in the carpet. I try to only have her sit on soft things until she gets that under control.
Most of my family is very involved in her life. It is important to me that they get to know her. She is very special. I know everyone thinks that of their own child but it does not make it untrue. She has a lot to offer and teach us if we take the time to get to know her. I worry about my dad. I don't know if he reads this. I really don't know who he is anymore. He does not seem to want to be involved with us. I know he is going through his own thing but I don't want Lily to miss out on her grandfather. I barely remember mine and I wish he was around longer for me to learn from him, to remember him more. Lily deserves that much.
Family is a weird thing but it is so important. If we loose touch with that, how alone we can feel.

12 Weeks Old

2008-07-15T09:41:00.000-07:00

Lily has just turned 12 weeks old. She is beautiful. We have been enjoying her more and more every day as she learns to reach for toys and cry when she can't eat real food. She wanted pizza very badly the other day. Her first disappointment. It has been the best and hardest time of daily life. I have never been so consistently tired for such a long stretch of time. I am getting better though at coping with it day to day and every now and then I feel rested. Tyson helps a lot. He is so tired too. He has been taking a few classes on top of working so he does not have much free time to himself. That will all change soon in a couple weeks. We have started going to a church really close to us. It feels comfortable enough. A coffee shop feel, modern, alive. At least that is how it comes off. We will try it out for a while. I think we still need a place to just be vegetable lasagnas. We are good at that.

Right now Lily is sleeping. She is down for her long nap of the day. I should be working but the server has been down since yesterday. Not a good time for this to happen. I have so much to do. But, who am I to argue with technology and free time. The weather has been threatening rain but I have only seen a trace of it. I love the rain and storms. They are much bigger than I am.

I suppose I will leave with that. I am having groceries delivered and they should be here any minute.

9 weeks old

2008-06-26T15:11:00.000-07:00

My baby is 9 weeks old now. The time is going by so fast. She loves to stand up and walk up us (we have to hold her of course). She has been doing this since she was about 6 weeks old. She is really good at holding up her neck too. Since she was born really. She smiles, talks (goos), and kicks things.
It is so weird to watch someone so little develop into a person. Oops, she is waking up now. I will say more later. Hunger calls!

And You Are...???

2008-05-31T11:51:00.000-07:00

I am still on my maternity leave but I have been working at home. I am very grateful for this because I can take care of Lily and work while she sleeps. Some days are easier than others as you can probably imagine. I am actually working right this second. I have a job that George Jetson had: I push a button all day long. This is not my normal job though. I created it by making an awful mistake while I was getting some people's bills together for the end of the month. It can be reversed but it is a long process that means pushing the same button over and over again all day long. Mind numbing really although it has been nice because I can hold and feed Lily and push the button at the same time. Still, I would rather feel productive.
As much as I love being a mom, and I really do love it, it has been an adjustment for me to not be as productive as I usually am. Not just with work but with the rest of my days as well. Don't get me wrong, I was never a very productive person but I could take a shower without having to worry about what other people were doing and could go to the bathroom whenever I wanted. Eating lunch, cleaning, making sense, have all taken a back seat to a baby who needs me. It makes you look at life a little differently. Do I really need to put on make-up today? Do I really stink or can it wait until tomorrow? My husband is great and really tries to take the reins as much as possible but even with that, there is still not enough time in the day for life and not enough time in the night for sleep. Aaawww sleep.
I know this is not specific to just my life. This story has been told before and I am not even feeling sorry for myself. Things will get better over time and they already have. Still, I wanted to mention these things.
Sure doesn't help either when you get clumsier with every waking hour. I threw a spoonful of dessert all over my shirt the other day because I burnt the hand holding the spoonful on the skillet the dessert came in. This burn led me to fling the spoon towards my shirt and covered it in ice cream, butter, syrup, pancakes, and nuts. By the way, a great dessert at Applebees. I have done many more things to make me feel less in control of myself and my thoughts.
I do not think I will ever be the same. How could I really? I am a mom. I am a wife. I am a billing specialist. Not to mention an daughter, sister, friend. There may not be enough time so I will try to spend it doing the most important things. I will try to make sense when I talk. I will try to listen when other people talk. There are the new days my life holds for me and I would like to stop missing them. I can't let them fly by.

Lily Elizabeth

2008-05-19T18:43:00.000-07:00

As promised, here is our daughter Lily!

We are so excited she is here. She was born April 21, 2008 and weighed 8 lbs 5 oz. She is now 4 weeks old today. The time has gone fast and then again, it has been a long 4 weeks. I ended up having to have a C-section because she was trying to push her little head through but could not seem to do it. I have to say that was one of the most tramatic experiences of my life. I still look back to it and shutter. I know I am not the only one who has ever gone through this but I will never forget it. I know that part of it was the physical pain that I felt. They said there would be stretching and pulling and I would just feel the pressure but I felt pain. I know I did. After she was delivered, the Dr. gave me some pain meds that did not really take away the pain but they took away my awareness. I did not regain it until I was back in the delivery room and they handed me by daughter. I really had my heart set on having a natural delivery, and by natural I mean I still wanted the drugs. I wanted to experience the delivery process. I would be lying if I said that I don't have waves of disappointment some times but I really am so happy she is here. She has changed our lives in ways I could have never imagined. I never thought I could fall in love with a little baby but I have. I never thought I could love my husband more than I already did but I do. He is the greatest father already.

Well, that is all for now.

It's been a while

2008-04-12T14:30:00.000-07:00

Here I am facing the due date of my first child. She is due on the 17th of this month. It has really been a wonderful pregnancy. I can't complain. I have heard so many horror stories of bed rest and weight gain and to think that I am almost done without too much trouble is a miracle. Not that I have not gained weight but it was a lot less than I expected to. Hopefully I can loose it quickly when the baby is born. We have decided to name her Lily Elizabeth. Tyson came up with it for the most part and I love it.

Five days away from the due date that felt like it would never come. If she does not come naturally by then, the Dr said that we could wait one more week but then we would have to induce. I would rather she come naturally when the time is right but I have been trying to help things out a bit by taking walks and cleaning the house. It's can't hurt. I have also been told to take a bumpy car ride and to eat spicy foods. All these "home remedies" for a stuck baby.

I feel well but I am mostly tired for most of the day. I know this is nothing compared to how it will be after she is born but at least it is more understandable to be tired then. It is a weird feeling knowing that you have napped throughout the day and are still tired with no motivation to do anything. I do have my bursts of energy and that is when the real work gets done.

I am looking forward to meeting her. I think I am going to like her. I know Tyson is going to be the greatest father ever known. He is so gentle and kind. Lily is really lucky to be getting a father like him. It will help her so much in life. I can't help but think that she is going to teach me a lot about how to love people. I know this is not the same but I love my dog a lot. She misbehaves at times, especially when we first got her, to the point of us getting so mad at her but at the end of the day she is still ours and we lover her. It is hard for me to imagine how much more I will love my own daughter. I know it will be so much greater that the love I have for my dog. How could it not help me to love others?

So, as the days are counted down and I feel more huge than I ever thought I could, I am ready for the changes that are coming. I guess my partying days are over (ha) but I welcome what is next. Scary sure but a good kind that will make us grow together as a family. It will probably be a while before I am able to write again.

Girl Talk

2007-12-22T06:28:00.000-08:00

The holiday season is here and I am off of work for the next 5 days. I can't remember the last time I was off for this long with out being sick or doing some other type of work. It has been a weird few weeks for me. I guess you could say all those pregnancy hormones are making me a little loopy. My thoughts just don't run in a fluid motion anymore. I go blank in the middle of a conversation. I get lost in the supermarket. Spill things. Oh, it is great. Then, the emotional element is another story. I can cry at the slightest offence, real or perceived . If there really is something sad, I am a bawling wreck. I am starting to get stretch marks and holiday weight.
I am really not complaining though. As much as my back hurts sometimes or I don't feel like I can get through the day, I consider this whole experience an honor. God is entrusting us with a person who he already knows. He thought we would be the best ones to take care of her. So, I just went out and got a hair cut!

Yes, we are having a girl! The doctor said he is 98% sure but to save the receipts just in case. When we had the ultrasound, she was curled up in a ball and had her legs crossed so she was a little bit of a challenge. The staff was really great though. They were patient and finally she moved enough so that they felt confident that it was a girl. We are both so excited. Tyson said that he is looking forward to taking care of his girls (me, our daughter, and our dog Annie). He is going to be a great father.

Uninspired

2007-11-17T08:49:00.000-08:00

I have a confession to make...
I have to preach tomorrow and I have nothing. Usually I wait until close to the time I have to preach before I get things written down but I usually have a pretty good idea where I am going but this...this sucks.
Thanksgiving is coming up but talking about being thankful is so generic and it was just talked on not that long ago. I had a few other ideas but they don't really seem to be going anywhere.
I guess what really makes it hard is that I don't want to get up there with something cute to say and then be done. It has to mean something for me to feel like I did any good at all. This is the frustrating part. When you are feeling uninspired then even the greatest ideas feel a lot less great and more generic. Ugh and gulp.
Our dog loves our new backyard. We still have a few things to go yet before it is finished but she loves smelling and exploring. She has always had a thing for plants. We think she was born beneath a shrub because every time she gets near one, she wants to climb inside. Now we have a few and she couldn't be happier. She is one of those dogs who is very dependant on her owners. She gets pretty upset when we are getting ready to leave the house and if one of us leaves, she can't sleep right and cries a little. She has to be in the same room as us and if we go into another room, there she is following right behind. But this morning she has gone out into the backyard more times than ever. She is more interested in seeing what is out there than what she is leaving behind. She will run in and lay down but the lure of the unknown just keeps calling to her and she can't help but want to explore.
Huh.

Back-e-ard

2007-11-16T10:38:00.000-08:00

I am home sick again. This time it is a cold or something. The good news is that I don't have a migraine.
Today is interesting because we are getting our backyard done by professionals. When we first moved in, we imagined doing this job by ourselves. How hard can it be right? But, as we looked into all the things we wanted done, we have realized how much of an undertaking that would be for a couple who works all week and Sunday. We decided to bite the bullet and have someone come in who actually knows what they are doing.
We are on our way to getting something much more than we could have ever done for ourselves. We had imagined a pave stone patio with some artificial grass. We are now getting that but also some rock, plants, trees, and sprinkler system. This is going to be a nice area for our new family to hang out as well as our guests who might stop by. It feels like a whole new world is being opened up to us where there was none. A desert is being turned into a lush pasture.
Is that what we do in our lives with God? We think we can do better or just as good ourselves but the job gets too big or too messy. You realize you are in over your head and it is time to get some real help. And He ends up making it better than we could have ever imagined.
Just a thought.
Two more weeks and we get to find out if we are having a boy or a girl! Anticipation is a crazy thing. I think my friends and family are more anxious to know that we are but I am really excited to know. Somehow it feels like I will know our baby a little bit more after the ultrasound.

Not So Scary

2007-10-31T12:27:00.000-07:00

Home again on a Wednesday. What is up with really bad headaches on Wednesdays? It has just started to break so that is good. Feels like someone is trying to drill a hole in my head. I need a whole head though.

Tomorrow will mark 16 weeks of pregnancy. Getting bigger. A lot more energy. Have to use a butt doughnut though because my tailbone hurts when I sit all day on a hard chair. Much better with the doughnut. Definitely feels like there is something in there now. Can't move the same as before. We bought paint and drapes for the baby's room. Saturday will be the day to redecorate and move things around.

Feeling a bit numb half of the time. Feeling stresses that I am sure are made worse by the wonders of pregnancy hormones. I try to keep that in perspective as I fight once again for sanity. No reason to freak out though. I have gone through this many times in the past and don't really see that this is any different. Life has a way of sorting itself out once things make sense again. I think I scare those around me who haven't seen me like this before. That is their fault for spending so much time with me. I can't fake it all day. I know I am fine and I am not really worried at all. God always brings me out and I don't see why He wouldn't this time. So I wait.

On a lighter note, we bought our dog a spider costume for tonight. I will take pictures and try to post them here. She looks so funny!

Now Is Not the Time

2007-10-13T07:58:00.000-07:00

This weekend we are going to a district conference for all the church pastors and leaders in our denomination. Last night was the first meeting and we go again this morning. It is fun for the fact that I get to see a lot of people I haven't seen in quite a while. My how things change.
So last night I am sitting in a row with our church leadership and also my mom. The speaker is talking about how David had a stressful life and he still trusted in God. He then mentioned how David's son raped his daughter (ewe) and the crowd was quiet. Right after this statement was made, Tyson, Shaun, and I all hear someone say "Jesus!" like this had just happened or they had never heard this was in the Bible. For some reason, all three of us lost it. We were laughing uncontrollably. I got it the worst. I had tears streaming down my face, body heaving with laughter, and I could not stop. After calming down, I realized that it was my mom who had said this. Then I started laughing again. Needless to say, this was not the best time for me to loose it. I was listening to a message about the character of a leader surrounded by pastors and leaders from all over the Vegas valley and beyond. So embarrassed.

In other news, I am now 13 weeks pregnant. I am starting to show now, not just fat but belly. I have fully embraced the maternity clothes and love them. I even look cute. I have found that this is important to me. When I don't look cute, I feel like a fat slob and don't want to even leave the house (not that serious but you get the picture). It is just better for me to try to look a little put together and feel comfortable with the fact that I have a new forming body. What made me feel better was I saw Halley Berry (I think that is how you spell her name) on TV the other day and they were announcing that she is 3 months pregnant. They showed a picture of her and she is already showing and wearing clothes that show this off. So, I said to myself "Self, if she can do that and feel proud, so can I". I know, weird reasoning but that was all I needed to feel justified. It is so strange that I can still let other people's opinions of me effect me in that way. I though I was better than that. So, look out world, I am getting larger and you will be able to tell because I am going to show it off with pride!

I Heard It So There!

2007-10-05T08:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday marked 12 weeks of pregnancy. I went to the Dr. for a check-up in the morning. I like going to these Dr. visits. I feel like things are getting accomplished and he is there to make sure I don't screw things up. We listened for the heartbeat. I was a little anxious to hear it. It might sound silly but I just wanted to make sure the baby was still in there. I pretty much thought it still was but it is always nice to put your doubts and fears to rest with actual proof. He found the heartbeat after a little searching and said that it was about 160 beats per minute and that is good. He said we were fortunate because they usually can't find the heartbeat this early. I think God let me hear it just because He knew I needed to. I felt relieved.
Today Tyson and I are going to a funeral for one of his friends who died a very early death. I only met him but I really liked him. Just one of those people who catch you. Today will be sad but also a reminder to enjoy what we have while we have it. Tyson is speaking at the funeral too. I am so proud of him.

New Wednesday Ritual

2007-09-26T15:17:00.000-07:00

It seems that Wednesday is the day for me to wake up with a searing headache. This is the second Wednesday in a row. So, I had to stay home from work because, being pregnant, the only weapons I can combat this with is Tylenol, sleep, and a little caffeine. I still have traces of it and it is now 3PM. Such is life I guess. Too bad I can't be home when I can actually be productive.
Tomorrow marks 11 weeks of being pregnant. I go to the Dr. next Thursday for a check-up. It seems silly but I kind of want to go just so he can tell me the baby is still in there. I'm pretty sure it is but hey, it always helps when the person who specializes in these things tells you that you are doing OK.
Last Sunday was my birthday. Woo hoo! Now I am the big 26. Look out world, I am older and wiser. Maybe just older.

Expansion

2007-09-19T14:54:00.000-07:00

What people don't tell you about being pregnant, at least no one told me, is that there is the weird period of time between knowing and feeling pregnant and actually showing that you are. I am in this period. I am not showing so I can't really wear maternity clothes out but pretty much all of my normal clothes do not fit. What is a girl to do? For work I can wear scrubs so I finally broke down and bought some cheap ones. I love them now! But, I can't really wear them out in public. I used to wonder why some girls wore sweat pants and a big t-shirt. Now I do not and while I haven't quite came to that point, at least when I go places, I start to wonder if it really looks that bad. I have always struggled with the idea that I could be fat but I have never weighed this much. I guess I wasn't that bad before. I need to remember that if I ever get to that place again.
I feel like I have pretty good self control when it comes to eating. I have my fun here and there but I can say no to candy bars and doughnuts most of the time. It is just that I am hungry all the time. I eat some yogurt and then I am hungry 45 minutes later. Then I eat some almonds and I am hungry 30 minutes later. Surely I am not the only one to ever suffer from this dilemma while a baby grows inside them but I get tired just trying to prepare for all the times I will need to eat during the day. Food is not my friend it is almost an enemy that I need desprately. I make it sound like I have gained 50 pounds. It is more like 4-5 but a lot of changes come with that. Oh well, I can only do my best.

Let's try this again!

2007-09-15T20:28:00.001-07:00

I have a lot to say and I am very tired so I will give more detail soon.
First, I had a wonderful time in Idaho. The weather was great, the food delicious, and I forget how much some people mean to me until I get to be around them. My flights were great but on the way home, my flight was delayed and I almost did not make it on the connecting plain to come home. My luggage however, suffered that fate. I had to have it delivered to my house the next day. Suck! But, at least they did not loose it completely.
More big news...
I am pregnant again! This time we saw the baby and heard it's heart beat with an early ultrasound. I am 9 weeks and 2 days along and the Dr. says everything looks really good this time. I am excited, hungry all the time, and tired all day long. Not to mention that I have morning sickness and even more evening sickness. No throwing up though so that is good. Tyson is really excited too. He is going to be such a great dad. I have gained 3 pounds but it looks like I have gained 10 because things have just expanded. Guess the little one needs leg room.
That's about it and I need to get some rest because I am leading worship at church in the morning. I like that much better than preaching. At least right now. Good Night and happy weekend!

I Da Ho? No, U Da Ho!

2007-09-05T18:35:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I am going to fly to Idaho to see one of my closest friends. I have not seen her for about 3 years so it will be very good. Plus, I can always use some time away from Vegas and desert. I have never been to Idaho that I know of so a new adventure will be fun.
I have also never flown by myself. It is not really even the flying that scares me as much as the idea of getting lost in the airport trying to find my flight. Everyone says it is not hard and people do it all the time so, I guess I can too! I leave in the afternoon after I go to a Dr's appointment and a brief stint at work. Woo Hoo!
I have been super tired for the last couple of weeks so that is why no blogging for a while. Life has been just a little too crazy for me but it has also been really great. I have to go now so that I can pack. I have a big day ahead of me.

Not So Good

2007-08-20T13:18:00.000-07:00

I preached at church yesterday. I have done this a few times before all with pretty good feedback. This time, I really felt like I did awful. I even studied in a really big book for this one. I even used Strong's concordance. That is a big book too. The feed back was good and people even said that it got them thinking and God showed them stuff but to me, it felt awful. I got up there and just felt nervous. I lost my words. I kept getting lost. It was not that I was unfamiliar with what I was talking about but what I wanted to say was just not there. I really had no application and that is one of the most important parts right? I just felt like I presented some information everyone already knew and then was done. I know that is not a bad thing but, I just felt like I could have done better and I have done better before. When service was over I went into the bathroom and cried a little. I know that it is not all that serious and I have just been over emotional lately but that is what I did. I felt better after that.
I don't think I failed or anything. I got up there and did what I felt like I should do and that was that. I spoke about grace and mercy. I just shared what they are and how God uses those to show how great and kind He is. Who knows, maybe someone needed to hear that. Maybe I just needed to teach that.
We had kind of a full house. For our church. Two new-ish visitors. I think that is how our church is going to grow. A friend here invites another friend and then later on they invite someone else. I think it will be slow. That's OK though. I still love our church.
I don't have to preach again for 4 more weeks. Maybe I will do better this time.
On another note, I stayed home from work today. Last night I developed a really bad migraine headache. I woke up and still had it. They usually go away over night but not this time. I was not even starting to feel better until about 9:30 this morning. I still have twinges of it but I need to be a little productive. So, I cleaned the kitchen a little and washed some towels. Tyson and I will take a trip to Wal-Mart later. I love unexpected days off even though this one was half full of pain.

A long week

2007-08-10T20:35:00.000-07:00

This week has been really long and I could not even really begin to tell you why. I have really been out of it lately. Tired and impatient. I got home from work today and all I wanted to do was just be home. I went to dinner and then came back at watched some episodes of The Office (love that show!). Just the feeling of not being able to listen to one more word that I have to respond to. No energy to pretend to be happy. I am not sad but some times people think you are sad when you are just quiet or completely done with your day even though it just began.
Work sometimes gets the better of me. I have been there two years and sometimes the days can just seem the same. There is so much work to be done and not a lot I can do about it. Solutions are not always in my control and things just get left for a later date when they still will not be solvable (is that a word?). Over and over again, same thing day in and day out. I appreciate my job, I really do. Burnt out, I think that explains it. And not a lot to challenge me so I get bored. Mind-numbingly bored.
I am also hoping to be pregnant soon. We are still trying after the miscarriage. I am not worried or anything. I know it will happen when it is time but it is a weird thing to hope. How do you hope when you are not sure when? It is hard to not get too excited when I feel a twinge of nausea then to only find out I ate something that gave me gas. I also don't want to talk too much about it because then if it does not happen, I am not disappointed. A co-worker asked me today how I was feeling and if I was having a boy or a girl. She apparently had not heard about the miscarriage. Where is office gossip when you need it? I don't mind telling people. It just made me remember that I was looking forward to something and it didn't happen the way it should have.
I do think I am hormonal right now because I feel like I could cry at a good commercial. Heck, even a bad commercial. Gotta love PMS. Or whatever it is.

Yearning for More.

2007-08-04T09:31:00.000-07:00

I am one of those people who can watch a movie and cry when no one else is crying just because I got something out of it that no one else did. In some ways, I think God uses them to speak to me. My heart and mind are focused for a few hours and He lets me know things.
Sometimes I watch a movie, and I think that I have glimpsed the face of God. I can see Him sometimes in the face of a father loving his children, or in the provision fate gives to common people. I see Him in the face of a lion. The Chronicles of Narnia is a movie that greatly inspired me. I know it is based on a Christian novel so it is probably supposed to inspire people towards God but in watching Aslan the lion, I could feel my heart longing to walk beside a God who could be touched and seen. My heart truly aches for the one who can fight for me in battle, who can sit with me in peace. Not just by faith, but by sight. The power in which He speaks, the depth in which He loves.
In the heart of Christians everywhere, there lies a longing for eternity. However good or bad life is on earth, to be with our Creator in perfect safety. In perfect love. A concept that is so hard to grasp here on earth. So hard to realize in our lives. However busy I get here, there are moments that reach down and grab at what I truly long for, what all this fighting is for. There is more than what we can see. Sometimes though, it would really help me to be able to see it. I have a hard enough time believing in what I see every day. It is much harder to remember what I can only try to imagine. It is this awe that brings me to worship most of the time. That and the acceptance of Grace and Mercy that none of us could ever deserve. I lead worship tomorrow at church alone. Just me and the guitar. May this longing be evident as we come together in a school that is too big for us. May they catch this longing as well.

The Reality of It

2007-08-01T18:03:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been wondering if I am really cut out for this whole ministry thing. I love it, don't get me wrong, but I wonder if I need to be older or wiser before I start being effective. I feel like it is so easy to get it wrong. So easy to lose sight. All the years I have been a Christian and there are some things that I just can't get over. It is hard to be any good when you are so scared of people. I just don't know what to do with myself sometimes. I get in my own way. Here is the person I want to be and feel that I am called to be and here is the person I really am. They don't match up. I have been really striving for this calling. Praying that I won't fall short. But the reality of it is that I do all the time. If feels like God either picked the wrong person or He is not as quick to save as the Christian world would have you to believe. I know that I make my own choices in life but what about when I don't know what to choose or don't have the strength to choose the right thing. I know about Grace but why should I always have to need it all the time?
I am not turning my back on God or anything close to that but I feel like I am in another place where things don't make sense anymore. Here is another aspect about God I thought I understood and now realize that I do not. Another adventure I guess. Another learning experience. I thought I was done learning the hard way. I never asked to be in this place and fought to be as close to Him as I could. I have to say it hurts a little. I feel a little disappointed. I really tried. I'm not out yet and will fight as hard as I know how. In this, I will grow.

Get It Right!

2007-07-26T19:08:00.000-07:00

I made a mistake at work the other day. It was kind of a big one that lost a couple thousand dollars. Just a couple key strokes and poof, it was gone. Feeling sick and having already done what I could to try to get it back, I finally told my boss what had happened. She was cool about it. I love my boss. She said not to worry and that she would figure it out. I still felt really bad though. I hate it when I make mistakes that effect other people and not just me. I told Shaun what had happened and how bad I felt and he said not to worry. He said that I am always trying to do the right thing and sometimes I am going to mess up and that's ok.
This made me realize something about myself. I am so afraid of getting things wrong. Not little things like putting too much salt on my fries but the big stuff. Like I said before, driving scares me because I might mess up and hurt someone.
I have had a few people hurt me. People who should have been safe. They tried to get things right in their life and didn't. Because of this, they hurt a lot of people. They hurt me. I don't know why I am so afraid. I just know that I can't be that person. I fight to not be that person.
I wonder how God sees me sometimes. Does He see that I could mess up at any minute? Or does He see that I try? There is an old Amy Grant song that says "being good is just a fable, I just can't cuz I'm not able" and I wonder if that is true of life. Do we ever get it? Or do we just keep on with the same things and eventually hurt someone or die?
I want to believe that God is a lot like my boss at work. He takes things from me and says not to worry because He will take care of it. This is what we are taught. I know He wants to take our burdens. It is one thing to know this and another to actually unload on Him. But the truth is that we still have those things in the physical reality. I always think about people with eating disorders. What do they do? It is not as if they can just stop eating like an alcoholic stops drinking. They just have to learn to eat in a way that is healthy. They still have to put food in their mouths and chew and swallow. They still have to eat and then stop eating. How do they finally do this right?
These are the things that I ponder.

On another note: I was at the beach last weekend. I went there three days in a row and I realized something: I was not made to live in the desert. What am I doing here? The cool, fresh air, the smell of salt, the soft sand that gets everywhere, the rush of waves over my head, the way my hair looks after I have spent an hour in the water. I have not felt that free in a long time. I have not felt that content in a while. It has been two years since I have been to the ocean. I almost forgot. If I could live anywhere, I am pretty sure it would be on the beach. I would never leave. I was actually sad to come home. I long for it. Even now. I will go back as soon as I can. The desert is to dry for me.

I'm Out!

2007-07-18T22:37:00.000-07:00

Just to inform you, I will be at the beach until Sunday. Yay! A vacation!

I Think that I Think

2007-07-14T19:52:00.000-07:00

I have never been a very opinionated person. Sure, it may have seemed like I stood strong on some issues but it was usually because I listened to someone I liked who can give a convincing argument. Growing up I always wanted to be like every one else. I never wanted to stick out as much as I just wanted to fit in. I think I did a good job of that. I never meant to morph into the people I was around but that is all I have ever done. I joke that if I moved to England, I would be one of those people who comes back with an accent. I am a sponge.
I have found the good side to this is that I can empathize with many people. I may not agree but I can see it from their side. Most of the time, they would probably think that I agreed because I would never voice my opinions. I think people like that I try to get them.
The down side to this is that I never really know who I am or what I like or what I believe. It is easy for people to run over me if they want to. There are some that I feel comfortable around who I don't really care what they think and I don't feel like they are stronger than me so I can sort of be myself. Most people scare me though. Most people don't get to see the real me. They seem unsafe and therefore do not get to hear me. There are even some people in my own family who are like this.
I am saying all this because I find myself being afraid a lot. I go through stages where I don't really trust anyone and I close off. Maybe it is me just trying to protect myself when I sense danger. Maybe they are all dangerous. I guess the biggest thing is that I do not trust myself. I don't know how to react to people when they are very opinionated. I don't trust that I know how to make the right decisions when it comes down to do or die. Driving is one of those situations. I never trust that I can react well when the traffic light turns yellow. Do I stop real fast or do I push the pedal to the metal and drive right through?
I don't know why but this issue has been bothering me lately. In a lot of ways, I feel like I am more myself than ever but sometimes it feels like I am back at square one. Why can't I feel comfortable in social gatherings? Why can I never go to a swimming pool without having an anxiety attack? Why is it so hard for me to get close to people who care about me? These are questions that I face. I long to be different and not so hurtful. I feel like I am hurtful. But at least I am safe. I can control where I am right now. At home. Alone.

California and Caffiene

2007-07-14T07:16:00.000-07:00

The caffeine headaches are still around but are getting better. Strange how your body can get used to something and then it can't even function with out it. I do have a lot more energy though. I sleep great at night. Heartburn has gotten manageable. So, I feel a lot better.
Our friends from California are coming to town this weekend and are going to have lunch with us on Sunday. These people are the greatest. They were our family when we had none because ours were so far away. We spent holidays there, had church there, and just hung out there. It will be so great to see them.
We will be going to California next week! I get to see the beach!!! There is a lot I miss about California and the beach is one of the top things, that and the weather! My husband hates how it can be hot all day and then you need a sweatshirt at night. I love that. It feels so refreshing! In Vegas, it is extremely hot all day and just plain hot at night. And I am not good in the heat. I really can't function. The beach will be refreshing and I would not be mad if all we did was lay on the sand and play in the waves. I feel such peach there. I think I have needed a vacation for a long time. A chance to forget all that I have to get done here and all that is going on at work. When I leave, I will have no work and no responsibilities for just a few days. Won't that be nice?

2007-07-07T12:33:00.000-07:00

Lately...so tired...thinking blurred...smeared and mushy...

The reason is simple: reduction of caffeine.
I am one of those people who has to have their cup of coffee every morning or they start to not make sense by 11AM. If I can allow myself this one luxury, the rest of the day is much better.
Lately...experiencing much heartburn. Lately...can't seem to get through a cup of coffee without more heartburn. So, given up coffee (sad), tomato sauce, and other acidic items so as not to aggravate. Soon, I will not miss this rush of life that is called caffeine. Soon, will be able to think straight. Until then, blogs short, days sleepy, mind foggy, many naps.

Holidaaaaayyyyy Celebraaaaaate!

2007-07-04T07:41:00.000-07:00

It is the Fourth of July and can I just say that I love and adore any holiday where I get paid to not be at work?
Growing up, I have always loved this day. It was usually enjoyable to me because the family was together and we would either stay at home or go to some one's house and just hang out. The pressure of the other holidays was not there. You did not have to worry about gifts or getting everyone together, whoever showed up was there and you had fun. And then, at the end of the night, you drive off to see fireworks. All you had to do was sit there, comment on the display, and relax. To this day, I am still adamant about watching them. I know that not everyone enjoys them but I do. This year we will probably drive to a desert lot and watch the back of the strip put on their show. That is all I need out of a day like today.
I guess I just hate the pressure that most holidays bring. I hate having to try to see everyone on this one important day. I am starting to feel that if I see you than I do and if you can't make it, there is always next year. What is the big deal about Christmas? Sure it is nice to all get together but I should not have to drive to opposite ends of the town just to get everyone in. I can see you next week or whenever.
Sorry about my little rant. I really do love the holidays. I just hate the obligations and guilt that comes along with them.
Today will be a great day!

A Week in the Life

2007-06-30T08:15:00.000-07:00

This week was quite uneventful for the most part. I was pretty tired for most of it so that could be why. Here are a few of the highlights:

1. Tyson has been off of work for the last week and a half and has one more week to go. He has been so busy for most of our marriage, which I completely understand, and it is nice to have him home and relaxed. He is such a great house-husband. He takes care of the laundry, does the dishes, takes out the trash, plays with the dog, and runs a bunch of errands that we can never get done when we are both working during the day. I truly can't believe how great he is to me and everyone he is around. I guess God really took care of me when He gave a husband.

2. Waxing. I went with Maylene to the spa to get some hairs waxed off. My eyebrows look great, and the other area I had done is recovering nicely. That is quite a shocking experience for one's body to go through but it is nice after you are done. My bikini area is seeing the light for the first time! And lets just say there were some skin issues that I had never been aware of before and now can see. Gotta love clogged pours and ingrown hairs. I know I am not the only one but I have never heard any one talk about this. Can I get a witness? Hello?

3. My brother's birthday is Sunday and we are celebrating it tonight. Nothing like getting the whole family together over B-B-Q.

4. Sunday I am going to lead worship for the first time as lead guitar and vocals. This is very intimidating for me. I can sing but I am not too confident with my leading voice. I will probably go off tune for a while until I am comfortable. Make a joyful noise right? I do love leading though and I think that once I am comfortable, I will have a great time. I am going to practice this morning and see how everything goes from there. This is one of those things that I have known I was called to do but could never really see how or when this would happen. Now, here it starts.

That is me in a nutshell for this week. Tune in next time!

Bra Shopping and Crying

2007-06-22T07:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Autumn and I went on a journey that is dreaded by most women. We set out to JC Penney to find bras. It is truly amazing how many types there are and each brand fits differently. It can be quite overwhelming if you are there alone. I find the best way to get started is to start feeling them and then just trying on anything you find that feels nice and start narrowing down the selection.
There was one that we both tried on and they felt nice when we found them on the hanger. The moment we put them on it was like "Aaaaahhhhhh". I have never, in all my life, felt a bra that was so comfortable. I know this sounds like I am doing a commercial but this is true. It felt like you just put a pillow on. It felt so great that I really did not care how it looked at all I just knew that I wanted it. It did look fine by the way. I actually found a few that I wanted and had to narrow it down. So did Autumn. That never happens.
I also had an incident with a shirt that I could not get off for the life of me. What is it with shirts that are made out of fabric that does not stretch or give at all? Hello! Autumn saved me that day in the dressing room.
As for the rest of the day, I watched a movie that probably was not very good as far as quality goes but I was so into it. I was crying my eyes out on the couch while my husband played some video game upstairs. I don't know what it is about me but there are some movies that will just strike a chord and get to something I did not even know I was feeling. That has been happening to me a lot. I suppose I am just over emotional lately. Sometimes it is good to have a cry like that though. It gets some things out.

Oh No! It's Seven AM and I'm not at Work! I need some Ice Cream!

2007-06-21T07:09:00.000-07:00

Usually,this time of day during the week,I am just getting my coffee and starting my day at my desk where I will spend the next eight hours looking at a computer screen longing to be anywhere else. The next two days are an exception because I took them off! Now I am starting my day by just waking up and getting my coffee, sitting at my desk at home looking at a computer screen. Wait a second...well, at least I am still in my pajamas!
Last night Tyson and I went to Cold Stone. Whatever your view on the place is, sometimes it is nice to have some elaborate creation of ice cream and toppings. My favorite right now is the Mud Pie Mojo or something like that. We had coupons so we each ordered huge servings. Now, if you have ever had Mud Pie anywhere, you would know that there is coffee ice cream, some Oreo cookies, some nuts (I think Almonds but could be wrong), and that's about it. If I am missing something, it is surely not Peanut Butter. However, the nice man who made my treat decided that I was missing some Peanut Butter and therefore decided to load my ice cream with it. Don't get me wrong, I love Peanut Butter. I even love certain ice cream that has that flavor. But when you are expecting one thing, and you get another, the thing you love becomes the thing you loathe.
I remember one time when I was little (and let me preface this with the disclaimer that I know it is gross to drink out of the carton of water straight from the fridge but when it is all you know, how can you be any different? I have since changed my ways) I wanted some water to drink so I took out the jug and gulped down what I though was water. Just then the most foul tasting liquid entered my mouth and then I realized that I had taken the milk jug instead. I love milk but I wanted water.
There must be some sort of parable that can show us something spiritual here and I will think on this but not right now. These are my days of off-ness and I will use them to the fullest. If you want to let me know what you think, do so.

What the...

2007-06-19T18:25:00.000-07:00

Today is Tuesday but it is more like a Thursday for me because I have the real Thursday and Friday off this week. I am so excited I think I just might explode! And I am doing nothing! I get to take care of some things around the house and then just be around the house. It will be so great. Having this knowledge has made this week go by a lot faster and better. Wouldn't it be great if we all had something to look forward to every week to make the days go by better?
In other news...
I have had the most clumsy week that anyone could imagine. As you may have been able to tell, it has not just been this week that I was having these problems but this week has been the ultimate of clumsy weeks.
One example is we all went to a Mexican restaurant after church on Sunday and everything was going well until...first of all let me just say that I was having some female problems and needed to take some drugs that ended up making me drowsy to the point that I could not really tell that I was drowsy but I was thinking and acting a little weird. So, everything was going well until I knocked over my cup of soda on to the table and all over Shaun. Then, and I have no idea how to this day, I ended up pouring salsa on top of the soda that I just spilt. My friends were stunned.
This is not the only thing. Yesterday I dropped a carrot with Ranch dressing on it on the floor. After picking it up I proceeded to eat my salad and a few minutes later, I had half the salad in my lap. I have cut someone with a knife. I have ran into countless walls and doors. I have lost the ability to read and spell. I have also managed to knock Mikes guitar into something every single time I have used it.
I think I am falling apart.
It is mostly funny though!

Without a Way to Know

2007-06-12T18:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got home from a typical Monday at work and I realized that I did not have my cell phone with me. You might me thinking "No big deal" right? But you see, Tyson and I have decided to just used our cell phones and not have a house phone. This is such a progressive way to think, I know, and we are quite happy with the decision. The only problem is, I left mine at work.
It is a helpless kind of feeling having no way to communicate with the outside world. What if someone needed me to rescue them from a swarm of bees or take them to the hospital because their limbs were falling off? What if someone broke into my house and I was trapped in the bathroom? All these scenarios were playing through my head as I tried to get over the shock of not having my phone.
After a while the situation started to not be so scary and I enjoyed the rest of my evening in peace and quiet. How funny is it that a few years ago, hardly anyone had a cell phone. I only got one about two years ago. Before that, I had to rely on other people's phones if I was not at home. Pay phones are almost useless to the vast majority of the population. And I am not trying to comment on society really, I am just thinking how naked I felt without a phone and really, I lived for 23 years in that very state. It is strange how you can get used to some item or object you may have never knew you needed but can't live without. It is also a bad habit of mine to imagine the worst case scenario when I am not in control. As if I could keep the sky from falling should it decide to. I would not really say that I am a control freak (I don't know what others would say) but it is always better if I can try to manage a situation. I can see the end and how to get there. If things go wrong, at least I was there and knew about it.
I am happy to say that I have it back now. It was waiting for me at my desk when I got to work this morning and I only missed one call. It was not even an emergency. Life and I have grown to love it is back to normal.

Laughable

2007-06-07T18:44:00.001-07:00

I was having one of those days where life was requiring just a little more energy and attention that I could give. It was the end of a work day that just seemed like it was never going to come. I finally made it to the street I live on and was excited to be pulling into my driveway.
One thing I have noticed about moving into a new house and new neighborhood is that the advertisers and companies in the area know that you are a new market fresh for the claiming. My house seems to be the place not only where all those people come but where the wind blows the papers left at the other houses. We are the collectors of the coupons and advertisements and phone books. How many phone books do people think I need anyways?
So, this day was no exception. It looked like a hundred companies had a hay-day in front of my door. Frustrated by my day in the first place, I proceeded to collect the wonderful gifts left for me. I finally get all the loose papers and stuff them into one of the phone books and try to find my keys. I do and then put the key into the lock. It does not turn. "Weird" I thought. So, I took it out and tried it again. Still no luck. I start looking around...huh...things just don't look right. All at once I realized "I am at the wrong house!"
I first don't really know what to do. You see, my actual house is just two houses down from the one I am currently trying to enter. It is the same model, same color, same layout, almost the same landscaping. One could understand my confusion if one tried. I then look to see if any of the neighbors are out because, yeah, first impressions. There was one across the street but she seemed consumed with whatever she was doing at the time and she did not really notice me that I could tell. I decided to put down the phone book stuffed with advertisements and coupons and get back into my car. It was quite humiliating to have to back out of one driveway only to enter another just fifty feet away. But I did it. There were not as many advertisements and coupons on my door as I walked up to it. I was happy about that.
That was the kind of day I was having. Here is a little advise: when you live in a neighborhood made up of only a few different models and everyone, for some reason, likes the same model and color scheme you do, pay attention! Wake up for just a few minutes and get to the right house. Maybe it would be a good idea for me to put something out front to distinguish my house from all the others. Like a giant plastic frog or a stuffed bear. I will have to think on this.
Tomorrow is Friday. Happy Friday!

Old Friends

2007-06-05T18:51:00.000-07:00

I just spent a few hours with a friend I have not seen for 3-4 years. It was so good to see her, to catch up on lost time, to find out about other friends. There are some people who you can be friends with for a time and then life goes on and you lose touch for what ever reason. Some of those people are just lost in the wind and it is sad but I am o.k. with the idea that I will probably not see them again. Then there are those friends who you don't always keep in touch with but when you do see each other, it is like home.
Sad how life can get so busy and the people you love to spend time with are pushed to the side while you do other things like work or sleep or eat. The simple day to day duties get pushed to a place of importance while the people you love and the hobbies you enjoy get pushed back to a memory. It is nice when the past comes into the present and for a few hours you can remember and experience all at once.
On a more personal note: I have been so tired since like Saturday. I think it is just by body's way of normalizing. The doctor said my hormone levels are back to normal so that is good. I think I am a regular girl again. And with that comes monthly girl things. So, bring it on. I can take it. But I could do without the tiredness. I feel like I could just sleep and never wake up. Or wake up on my own. Yeah...
I am happy though. Life has normalized along with my body. I complain about routines but sometimes, when things get a little out of control, all I want is to be back in the flow that my life has created. I know what to expect and where to be and when. Sometimes it is just nice to know what is expected of you. Life can take you for some crazy journeys but in the end, it is the stable, routine parts of our days that will keep us sane.
So, here's to the friends that keep us grounded, the body that keeps us going, and the routines that keep us intact.

Wednesdays

2007-05-30T19:52:00.000-07:00

It is Wednesday! Only two more days until the weekend and I could not be happier. There are just some weeks that make the weekend look so much better. It is like pushing the reset button. Problems are smaller, jobs less intimidating, and life seems clearer. Sometimes I just need to clear my head and let things start to make sense.
Tomorrow I have worship practice at my house. I really love that time. People are over and usually laughing. There is something to even just practicing worship that puts my heart in the right place. Preparing to lead other people into the presence of the living God. There are few responsibilities in life that add up to this. The more I am involved with this church plant, the more comfortable I am with leading and stepping out to be who I am. Still scary but good.
I guess I am rambling but it is Wednesday and my brain is a little jumbled up. That is why it is good to have some alone time to regroup from the week, listen to some tunes, and type whatever is on my mind. There is a part of me that just sometimes needs to be alone. Even from my husband. I think better when I can just let my mind ponder on the week and on my feelings and all else that falls into my mind at the time. Sometimes it is good to just think about nothing. That is really nice too.
So, I leave you with this: Two more days until Saturday!

Three Day Weekend!

2007-05-26T08:03:00.000-07:00

I don't know about anyone else, but I could really use this three day weekend that we are in right now. I am sorry to all those who do not get three days off this weekend. We do not have a lot of plans except maybe going to breakfast, shopping for some house stuff like towels and accent items to bring more color, and church. Our Sunday service will not be a service at all but a meal for all who want to come. It will be fun and relaxing and people are going to bring their friends if you can believe that.
On a more personal note, I am doing very well. I feel like things are getting back to normal physically and emotionally. I feel stronger and more sure of myself somehow. Go figure.
Other than that, it is been an uneventful week. We are getting a new washer delivered this morning because the one we were given did not exactly wash. It looked and sounded like it was doing the job but, not so much when you looked at our socks and underwear. That is the true test I think. This washer was given to us and we appreciated that so much. I think though there are some things that you should just buy new. This is one of them. If you can at all afford it.
Well, have a wonderful Memorial Day!

The Day After

2007-05-21T20:16:00.000-07:00

I preached at church on Sunday. I was scheduled to do this from months ago and with all that happened last week, I almost sat this one out. But then, I just knew that I needed to be visible this week. I have been through a lot but I am doing well. I have my sad moments but mostly, things are good and happy even.
I think, as a person who is called to share Jesus with people, I needed to let people see what God can do in people during hurt and sadness. It would have been fine if I had been quiet and let people imagine how I felt. And I do believe there is a time to keep your personal life private. I am pretty sure that in this case, God wanted to show people how he takes care of His own. The church needed to see it fresh and raw.
I think it was good for me too. I needed to tell people what God was doing in my life. It is more real when other people know too. I really think that in this sadness and disappointment, I was healed of some past hurt. I learned a lot about love and friendship, things I can never forget. I was also healed of guilt and shame that I have carried for so long without realizing it. Strange how all this can happen in such a hard day.
People have been saying how strong I am and how well I am handling all of this. I honestly know that if it were not for the people God sent to carry me that day, I would not have the appearance of strength others see. I have been held the whole time.
I was also honored to be the subject of such a wonderful controversy. You should read Shaun's blog below in my favorites to know what I am talking about. All I can say is that I know I have been called to these things and I can't ignore what God has put in my life for me to do. I am honored to have a pastor and a husband who defends this. I would not be anywhere else than where I am in life right now.

I Know What it is to be Loved

2007-05-19T06:37:00.000-07:00

It has been a hard couple of days. I went to work on Wednesday and that morning I realized that there might be something wrong with the baby. I started lightly bleeding and cramping pretty badly. I called the doctor and he wanted me to come in so Shaun and I left work and went down to the office. He waited for me while I went to get checked out. The doctor could not see the baby where it should have been and he said he was not optimistic but still hopeful that everything would be normal. They did a blood test and sent me home to wait.
I was a little shaken up just because I hate having to go to the doctor when I don't exactly know what is wrong. I have had a lot of history with that growing up and it just brings back some fears. So, we went to get some lunch and then Shaun came back to the house with me. We just hung out for a while and I was going to take him home soon so I went to the bathroom. It was then that I discovered that the bleeding had increased a lot. I then knew that all that I had feared and denied was coming to pass. I called the doctor and he confirmed that he was almost sure that I was starting to miscarry.
Then he prepared me for what was to come as best he could. He gave me the permission to take ibuprofen (you can't take that when you are pregnant) or anything else that made the cramping feel better. He said I could probably pass this at home but if the pain or bleeding was too great, I should go to the ER.
Tyson, my husband, could not be reached at this time because he was in class so, Shaun stayed with me through the rest of the day until Tyson came home. Shaun's wife, Autumn, called and was praying at home. And here I was, thinking about all the hope that was lost in that moment. With every pain, I knew it was ending.
But I was not alone. God sent my pastor and best friend to be there. I felt like I was falling down a huge hole to the dark and he jumped in after me so I would not have to fall alone. I have known what it is to be alone. I have known what it is to face the darkness alone. This was not one of those times.
I also realized in those first few moments of pain that God was preparing me and placing people around to support me through this. He made it so that Shaun could work at my job during this time. I was just saying how I felt safe with him there if anything were to go wrong. God was also letting me know that whatever happens, things were going to be o.k. Not happy all the time, but good. And I cannot explain it but, God was preparing my mind for this.
There have been periods in my life where I have felt like I had some things figured out. Where I could say that I was doing pretty good. Not too big of a sinner. Lately, I have become aware of the depths of my heart. The mess that lingers there. This is where I have been the last month or so. But, in spite of the evil that waits for me, God did not hesitate to take care of me and put love and support around me. This is a God who truly loves. He sees the depths of our hearts and He loves us the same. We sing this in songs but it takes life and sadness to show us what this looks like.

I can truly and honestly say with all of my heart:
I know what it is to be loved.

Too fast

2007-05-15T17:02:00.000-07:00

This week is flying by for me and it is only Tuesday.
I am preaching this Sunday and I am still kind of at a loss for what to speak about. Something about God and the Bible right? Then we have to finish some ideas for our new mailer that we want to go out in June. Not to mention see my husband sometime this week after he gets out of class. And sleep.
I should not even be blogging right now. I should be eating and working on my sermon. Then I have to run around town finding things that don't make sense.
All that to say, sometimes it seems like life stands still but these last few weeks, it feels like I need about 10 more hours in my day. But, I know how to multitask and so I should be able to handle this.
I have actually been having a great preganacy so far so that is good. The doctor says I am 6 weeks and 6 days along. I go for an ultrasound next week to get a better idea of the size of the baby. Crazy stuff.

Inside Information

2007-05-10T19:40:00.000-07:00

I have some big news. This is only known by a few select people and now, if you are a reader of my blog, you will be in on the secret.

I found out last week that I am pregnant! I know what you are thinking, "Holy Crap!", but it is true. I am 4 weeks along and feeling pretty good. Just a little nausea and a few headaches but mostly just tired. I feel like I could sleep for a whole day just to catch up.

When I first found out, I will admit I was a little freaked out. It is not that we were surprised (if you know what I mean) but I just did not think it would happen so fast. I started wondering if we had done this too soon and if waiting would have made me feel more ready or adult or something. And still, if I think about all the details, I get a little overwhelmed but, I do really have a peace about the whole thing. God always leads me through life and prepares me for what is ahead. I know we will be great parents and when the baby arrives, we will be just who we need to be.

I feel really safe. I have the greatest husband a wife could ever have. I live close to all of my immediate family so, never short of relatives. I am also very close to my most trusted and loved friends and just started working with one of them. I feel like I have a safety net all around me. I am not alone anymore. When Tyson and I lived in California for the first year of our marriage, we felt very alone. I did not have anyone to call when I got in a car accident, Tyson was in class at the time. I could not just go and hang out with a friend because I really did not have any. Now things are different. I have people all around me. A family that extends beyond just who I am related to. It feels really nice. I feel at home.

So, as I continue along this journey for the next 8 months, I will keep you posted. I know I will learn a lot over this time because God loves to teach during new phases of my life. I am excited about the future and content where I am at the same time.

Interrupt my Sight

2007-05-03T06:29:00.000-07:00

It is Thursday morning. I am normally leaving for work right now but I have a Dr.'s appointment this morning so I will go in late. Sometimes it is nice to have something disrupt the flow of your week. Something to break up the monotony a little. It can make the rest of the week seem to go faster. Then again, there are sometimes that you just pray that there will be no interruptions to your life because whenever they seem to happen, they are usually something negative and hard to get through.
Life has many interruptions. Everything can be going just fine and then, smack!, everything has changed. When you are following God, this seems to happen a lot. He likes to stir things up and keep you awake.
I want to stay awake. It is easy to get stuck in your life and sin and work. Sometimes our eyes are closed and sometimes they focus on the wrong things. Then all we are left with is the ugly truth that we are not who we want to be. I want to stare at the Son, eyes wide open, hands outstretched, until I can see nothing else. May my life reflect who I am staring at. Then I will be awake, then I will be ready for change.

Dumb!

2007-05-01T16:43:00.000-07:00

I feel the need to vent a little. Today started out as a pretty good day. Things went smoothly for month end. This is the worst time of the month to be a biller because it is crunch time. People are stressed and there is a deadline. This one was good though. But by the middle of the day, people were getting the worst attitudes and taking them out on other people. I work with mostly girls so you can only imagine. I was not feeling great myself so it was hard for me to ignore the rude people. I just wonder sometimes how people get along in life when they are always blowing up at people or giving snotty remarks. I just feel that it is wrong.

So, I left work feeling very frazzled and just wanting to be home. I will see my friends and maybe even my husband tonight so, the rest of the day should be alright. Thanks everyone! I just needed to get this off my chest. I thought that when you became a pastor people were just required to be nice to you. No? Well, that should be the rule. I feel better already though.

Happy May 1st!

Saturday Mornings

2007-04-28T07:17:00.000-07:00

There is something about waking up on Saturday morning when you don't have to be anywhere for a long time and you can just sit and drink your coffee and breathe. Since we have started planting The Venue, life has just been busy. A great and purposeful busy but sometimes it feels like the other things you used to do in life, like clean or take showers (kidding), seem to be pushed on the back burner. I still have some free time, don't get me wrong but it seems now that I have to be more organized with it or else it is waisted.
Saturday mornings are a time where I can just reflect on what I love about life and stop for a few hours. Stopping is a hard thing to do. Even when you are relaxing, it is so easy to think about all the things you know you still have to do. Our brains never seem to rest like we need them to.
I have a dog. She is adjusting to the wonders and fears of a new house. Animals are funny when change happens to them. The adjustment factor is there just as if she were a human. Almost more because she does not understand if this is her permanent house, or just another stop along the way.
My dog loves Saturday mornings. She can tell that we are relaxed and are going to stay home for a while. She plays with Tyson and goes out on the balcony. You can see she is not afraid that we will leave.
I think I am past the point where I think that God will leave me stranded. I have seen to much of how He works to believe that He is just gone and never going to come back. Yet, if you have been a friend of God for a while, you know there are those times when He just does not talk very much. Life is dry. Water is scarce. Sometimes I feel like my dog feels when we are getting ready for work. She can tell we are about to leave her home alone. I think God likes to leave us home alone sometimes. He like to see if we can take care of what He has left us to do. We don't have Him to ask how to do things, we just have the memories of what He taught us. The rest is up to us. It is not that He never comes back. He always comes back. Maybe He just wants us to see how far we've come and how much more we have to learn.
Those are some of the hardest times in life. I think they are not too far off. Right now, I am enjoying the comfort of Him being at home on a Saturday morning. Just to know I can talk to Him if I need to and He will probably answer. Monday morning is coming. I live for Saturdays.

To Know that You Do Not Know

2007-04-27T09:50:00.000-07:00

It is funny what you realize about yourself when a friend talks about what they are going through. As a church leader, people expect you to know a lot. And to know what to do. I am younger than a lot of leaders so I am not given the expectations a lot of older leaders are given. But still, it probably looks better if I know what I am talking about. Sure, I probably know more about the Bible than your average person off the street or even church-goer for that matter. Yet still, to give an answer for what you believe is a scary thing.

As The Venue is slowly growing (and it is growing!) our leadership team is challenged in some ways to decide what we believe about certain things. You think you know but when someone asks or wants to know what we would do if...you start to wonder what we would do? Sure, there are books to read or denominational doctrines to follow but, in our search to be relevant and ourselves, are these procedures really God or are they just what people have always done? And what about the fact that, even though Jesus is the same for all time, He does not always act in a way that looks the same throughout history. Just reading the Old verses the New Testament shows a lot of differences. God has not changed but maybe the people have.
I have found that when I have to search out what I believe, I usually end up realizing that I have no idea at all. Sometimes the Bible is just vague. There is not usually a step-by-step procedure of how to pray for the gifts of the Holy Spirit or how to feed the homeless and there are even people who argue if we should do those things at all as a church. The idea of sin or mercy or love is not a dictionary definition that you can just look up and understand.
It might sound like I am over analyzing every word and I think sometimes I do but when you start to try to understand something, your search takes you deeper and deeper until you really have to chalk it up to the fact that God is God and He is the only one who can really understand. He is the only one who can really teach. Sure, the Bible is good. But, some things are just learned as you walk with God. He actually makes things clear if we are willing to change, learn, and bend. This is a good place to be in life, I think. When we are willing to let God teach us, to let Him undo all that we thought we knew just so He can show us something new. I think He loves to do that. Staying open to God so that He can use us instead of coming to the place where you know everything and you are not going to bend.
There are somethings I am pretty confident that I know about God. Most things though, I think I only have a glimpse. In that glimpse, there is hope.

A Place To Rest

2007-04-27T09:46:00.000-07:00

4.24.07
(This was written before I had Internet connection. Now everything is going to be OK)

We have just moved in to our new house. It is the first one we have ever owned. Up until now, we have just been apartment dwellers I have not lived in one since I was seventeen. There is such a different feel to owning a house. Such a permanency, commitment, stability. I have not felt this way for as long as I can remember. A friend was saying the other day that we have come to the place we have been striving for. Aside from starting a family, we really have all that we have dreamed of: a house, a ministry, best friends, and a dog. All we have to do right now is follow God where He leads. It could be that this is where we will be for years. It could be this is just a jumping off point for something bigger. All I know is that here is where we are and should be. Anything that comes after that is simply an new adventure. Sure we are young, sure we have a lot more life to live from here but, when you have been waiting so long, it is nice to see the fruit of all your labor and tears. It is good to see a glimpse of the land of the living, the land of promise. This is not all that God has for us, not even close, but this is good. This is rest. This is safety. It may not last long, but I am thankful for it and will try to inhale every second of it. There is a lot of my life that I have forgotten or blocked out of my memory, this feels like a safe place to hold on to and remember years from now.

Yay!!!!!

2007-04-21T08:03:00.000-07:00

This is going to be brief because I have such a busy day but guess what......

the house we have been waiting to be built is done and we picked up the keys yesterday!!!
Oh the wonders of being a home owner. Just wanted to share but I have to go.

For the Love of God!

2007-04-16T17:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday at church, Shaun (my pastor see his blog below) talked about the problem of love. I will not go into all of his sermon because I could not do it justice and this would be quite a long blog. So just know that anything great about it is stolen from Shaun. But one of the scriptures he used really stood out to me so I will attempt to explain what I think of it.

Philippians 1:9-11 "And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ".

I could not count how many times I have read this verse. Probably just passed over it because Paul always says stuff like this when he is beginning a letter so someone. But yesterday it was different. Love in knowledge and depth of insight. Love is usually associated with feelings. Sure, we like to say that love is a choice and the feelings go away but isn't that what our heart longs for sometimes? To feel love or loved in return? To feel the passion and excitement of loving a person or job or life itself? The feeling is like a drug. It makes us do things we would have never thought we would do.
For a few years now, I have been trying to figure our the difference between love and trust. I have people in my life who I love dearly but I do not trust them further than I can throw them (which is probably farther than you would think). So, I have been withholding some of the love I have for them simply because I do not trust them. I also have people who I trust with my whole life but I do not know how to love them. This may sound weird to you and I could probably give someone else great advise if they were wondering about this, but it is something I just can't get my head around.
This scripture gave me some hope. Love abounding based on knowledge and depth of insight from God! There is something to this. Not a reckless love based on emotion but based on discernment that only comes from God. His protection in love. This does not guarantee that we will never be hurt, just ask Jesus, but it will promise that we will be pure and blameless when we die. We will know what is best! And maybe, when we have this insight, the feelings will be there but they will be based on something real and substantial, not on something that fades away.
So, in my journey to find out what love is in all of its' many forms, this is a step, a little more light on the path of life from here to God. This is going to be my theme verse for a while. A friend once told me that sometimes you have to repeat something to yourself to give you courage even if that statement is not so believable at first. Eventually, it become a part of you. So, this is what I think I need to be a part of me right now.

Distractions

2007-04-12T19:06:00.000-07:00

Thinking is something that we do every day, all day long. We don't even think about the fact that we are thinking because it comes so natural. Most of the time, it does not bother me at all. It is when those thoughts start to take over and consume even normal conversation that it becomes annoying.
It is like when you start a new job. You are learning about so many things you never had to think about before and your brain tries to process all the new information into something tangible. By the time the first day is done, work is all you can think about. Even in your sleep, you dream about the procedures you have to go through. Thoughts consume and you can't operate like a normal person.
Whenever something new happens in my life, or is about to happen, my thoughts take over. I almost feel like I spend 75% of my day just up in my head. Sometimes it is nice to have those contemplative days where you ponder on the mysteries of life. But sometimes, all you long for is to not think at all.
I wonder what role thoughts have in our life as a whole. If I keep thinking that I am a poet for instance (not that I do, just an example) do I eventually become a poet? Or do I stay a blogger who can't even spell? If I keep dreaming of greatness, will I make something of my life? Or will I always just be a dreamer? If I long for love, or hate, or safety, or solitude, will that be where I end up? What about temptation? If I keep standing against it, will it eventually take over anyways?
These are some of the thoughts I have been having today. I know God has power even over our thought life and He can take the things that we should be and say that we are not. He can take the thoughts we so longingly have, and turn them into His own. The battle of life is not an easy fight. I know I keep coming back to the idea of battle but it is something very real to me now that we are starting this Church. In one way, it is flattering to think that I show up on the radar of the enemy but in a much bigger way, it keeps me very humble. I know that I am not far from falling off the thin line of Christianity and so I strive to walk it with my eyes open and focused straight ahead. God keeps us and walks with us. This is what I remember when my thoughts tell me that I am alone. I am not. All I have to do is stand, one day at a time, and the rest is His fight.
It is funny, I have never seen myself as being super spiritual but lately, I have had my eyes opened to what God does just out of our sight and also what the enemy does right in front of our face. Do not think that the enemy will stop. He stops at nothing and hits where it hurts the most. Our focus needs to be on the God who saves and knows these schemes long before they happen.He will keep us.

The Price of Living

2007-04-11T16:19:00.000-07:00

This past week has been really good for me starting off with last weekend. I realized a lot of things about myself and who I am. A lot of walls that were up to protect me were taken down. Defenses were weakened. Hurt can cause a lot of things inside to shut down. For me it was trust. I stopped letting people see who I was because then they could take it and use it against me. My intentions were good but they were taken as evil. I had not realized, but it has been years since I have been open with anyone I could see on a regular basis. I felt a weight lift and a freedom that I had forgotten.

But, as with all things that have been pent up for too long, when they are released, they do not come out in a controlled manner. It is not pretty. Those things I have tried to keep under control are threatening to take over if I let them. As I have said before, I am constantly aware of how evil my heart can be. Most of the time, I hope with all I have that it does not come open for the world to see. Yet, when light is brought in, there is clarity and the evil is not so big anymore. It was nice to have someone see. Now, I am dealing with the flood of emotions that comes with a new sense of self. My wounds have been opened so there is pain and frustration.

I just know that I can't go back to being closed off. I am doing my best to keep the wounds exposed so that God and I can deal with them. I think that is what He is trying to do. I also know that my enemy is right there, trying to confuse me and keep me from changing. He would love if I just kept going without improvement. I am not one of those people who sees the Devil under every rock, but I can't be blind to the fact that I have been put on the front lines of something God is doing. This means that I have a spotlight shining right on my face. People may not realize what leaders in the church deal with spiritually. When we fall, the world sees. When we fight, it takes all we have.

I know I am in the process of some serious change. It is amazing what God will bring to light and when and with whom. When you are trusting Him and desire change, He will bring people who are safer than ourselves to walk with us and help us focus. It can seem like we are alone through it but, I know I never was in the past. I know I am not now. The trick is to see past the lies we tell ourselves and the ones the enemy slips in. Listening for the voice of God is the hardest thing to do. God wants our whole heart. Not just the parts that follow Him. He wants it all. He will stop at nothing and will use hurt and pain to bring us out of some of the weakest and filthiest times in order to make us more like Him. This is the focus: How can I love God better? And then, what I think He is doing in me now, how can I love others?

Easter Sunday

2007-04-08T18:41:00.000-07:00

Today was Easter Sunday. This was what it was all leading up to. Since we have started planning for The Venue, we have always held this day as THE day. It went so well. We even had a few first time visitors. It is amazing what putting out a few signs can do. I was standing there after it was all over, looking at the people around, and I could not believe that we were here and we actually had a real church. And people like it! And it's not just people our age but old and young, male and female. God is truly doing something far bigger than we are.

After this service, I also came to a realization about something that I have been wrestling with for some time. The idea of Spiritual Gifts and the Holy Spirit. Just a little background on me. I was raised in the Foursquare denomination which is very openly pentecostal. For a long while, we would have special speakers that would come to churches and baptize people in the Holy Spirit and they would fall over and speak in tongues and laugh and cry. Let me first say that I don't necessarily think that God was not moving. But through it all there was a lot of sensationalism and hysteria that did not seem real to me. Also, there is always such a focus in our churches to "find your Spiritual Gift" which is good in some ways. But the focus was always on the gift and what it could be and how you might use it. Prophesy was seen as something used when praying over people (and I do believe this happens don't get me wrong) and tongues were used as needed in the church service. All this is fine but I can tell you that it does not make people comfortable. You might say "So what?" but I say that Jesus was only in the business of making the religious people uncomfortable. The ones who saw His grace and comfort were the people who he met on the street.

The thing that I realized was that we spend so much time with our focus on the Gift and how to use it and when. The real focus should be on Jesus and just being obedient to what He is calling you to do and through that obedience, the gifts flow naturally. Shaun, our lead pastor, operates in gifts without even knowing it. He just obeys God and because of this, He has spoken words straight from God to me and others. He probably does not even know he does this but I saw it today. I saw that we don't have to lay our hands on people and pray for them to find their gift, all we have to do as leaders is teach people how to follow Jesus. Teach people how to live a life that is open to the things of God and He will give them what they need when they need it. I have found such a confidence in who God has made me to be and what I am to do and I know He has gifted me with a lot but I did not always use them. It was just not the time. Now it is. God showed me this as I was cleaning out a jug we used for lemonade. He spoke to me while I was just doing what I was supposed to be doing.

This might offend some and I am not saying that I have it all figured out. I just believe that as different generations rise up, God communicates differently. He speaks in ways that people will understand Him. This would make sense then. People these days are not looking for a performance or a magic trick. They want to know how God is going to change their live in a real way or else they are going to go somewhere else. They want reality. They want to know a God who is right in front of them but just beyond their grasp. They can see Him and they long for Him without even knowing it. We have to find ways to be real and be there to show them who God is. We are all they have.

Connection

2007-04-07T08:33:00.000-07:00

I just woke up not too long ago. I feel much better today considering I got more than 3 hours of sleep. Yesterday was a bit of a haze but sometimes it is a good idea to live like you were in High School again. Just leave out all the drama.

Today I am going to finish up creating the advertisements for the connection groups that are going to be starting at The Venue next week and the weeks to follow. This is the ministry that I am pastor over so I guess I have to make it good. I really am excited about them though. If they take off, and I think they will in time, they will be a huge part of what our church is and will bring a lot of people into a friendship with a bunch of really cool people who just happen to go to church.

In case you are wondering what these groups are going to be like...me too. But our goal is to have a variety of, I guess you could say, interest groups where people can go to just hang out. They will not be intentionally spiritual and there probably will not even be a Bible at hand but people can just kick it with us and build relationships.

There are a few that have formed among the leadership. Mine, for instance, is a dog park ministry. I know that dogs do not need to be ministered to, I get it. But we go to the dog park anyways and, if you have never been there before, people bring their dogs to play but most of them actually talk to you...a lot. So, just being a consistent presence could open doors to people getting to know Jesus somehow. Plus, other people from the church could come and just hang out as well. It could work, it could fail, but at least we are getting out there.

Jesus was hardly ever in the synagogues, most of the time He was just out. If He were physically in Vegas right now, He would probably be at the mall with His disciples or at a restaurant or...
at a bar!
walking down the Strip!
I truly believe He would. The church today should be there too. Not of it but in it. I think it is folly to believe they will come to us. Sometimes sure but most of the time that people come to Christ it is because they made a friend with someone who knew Him and wanted to know more. Jesus became real because we were real.

So, this is what we are trying to promote. Where this will take us and how they will work is still being developed but I am excited. We can't just keep doing the same old thing. It is time for something new.

Barely Awake

2007-04-06T09:18:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to a show at the House of Blues. Yes, my first real show besides DC Talk in High School. I seriously had such a great time. It is easy to forget the feeling of music rushing through you as the band starts to play. I could not tell you what the messages were of these bands but I could tell you that a couple of them were really great musicians and put on a fantastic show. I went with the guys of the Venue (except my husband because he had class). I was honored that they wanted me to go even though I was the only girl. We have all been friends for a while but I still fall back into the stipulation that I am still only a girl and that somehow means I am less than.

I stayed up until 5:30 this morning talking (not to myself but to my Pastor) about all the obstacles that have come in our way leading up to the fateful calling of being involved in the church plant that is The Venue. Some of the things I had forgotten. All of us have been through some of the worst that we could have imagined. It is really amazing to look back and see the hand of the enemy seeking to break us apart. How easily all of this could have been a "what if?" and we could have all gone our separate ways. But somehow and for some reason, the hand of God has truly protected us for this time and, I think, continues to even now as we settle into this plan and live it out. Sometimes it sounds like our story came out of a book somewhere. The author planning out this elaborate story that all comes together at the last minute. It leaves me feeling humbled and then almost afraid. Here I am realizing everything I was promised. I never thought I would be filling this role as a female pastor who truly is that. I am not just teaching women either (shock, horror!!!) but I am looked at as an equal to the boys. I am a girl who somehow got invited to the boy's club. You can say all you want but I know this is where I am called and looking back to how I got here, I can't doubt it.

Sorry if this sounds like I am rambling on but give me some slack, I am running off of 3 hours of sleep and a nice cup of coffee.
So, the lesson for the day is:
1. Go to a show that is not Christian sometimes because you will miss some great music (the House of Blues is so great)
2. Stay up later than you should sometimes, it is amazing what you learn about people when you just talk and let your guard down.
3. Don't forget the past no matter how painful and tiring it was, God was there too and will make it all into something far beyond what you could ever imagine or plan yourself.
4. Don't sell yourself short but be confident in who God is making you to be and trust that He has given you things to do and He will make it come about if you trust Him (and sometimes even if you don't).

Here I Am

2007-04-02T17:29:00.001-07:00

Here I am for the world to see. This is my first real blog besides the one on Myspace. My friend Shaun seems to think that I am ready for the big leagues of blogging and I love a challenge. You can reference my Myspace account to get some of my back history.

As mentioned in my profile, I am part of the greatest church plant I have ever heard of. We are in Las Vegas (yep that's right) and I could not think of a better place to be on the front lines of what God is doing. We see Him here doing something we can't quite put our fingers on but I know that I long to be in the thick of things. It is truly amazing to look back and see what has brought us all together. I am working with people I trust with my life. That is something rare. Sure, no one is perfect and people fail but we are close enough to kick each other in the head if they are getting off track. I have not had that with people before. There is a sense of vulnerability that comes with letting people get to know who you really are.

Take me for instance. I can be annoying or too loud. Then again, I don't speak up when I should or speak when I should not. There are times when I crave an intelligent, thought provoking conversation to the point that I will try to make people notice me. Then again, I don't like standing out because I don't want people to see my failures or inadequacies. I have always been known as the "good girl" but I know that my heart is wicked and longs for evil. I am constantly aware that no one is ever safe but could fall at any time. This is one thing i fear Not many people know this about me or they can't put their finger on it. Now, I am in a group where I could be easily found out. And for the first time in my life, I am so relieved! Good or bad, here I am.